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On Tue, 4 Oct 1994, Kristal Ann Roberts wrote:

> dear rex:  parts of your letter sounded so tragic but yet comic at the 
> same time.  i had never thought about the part when you discussed the 
> "faithful momogamous marriages" as a possible haven of tgers.  it had me 
> think of my father...i shudder just thinking about it because my father 
> in general disgusts me.

> where are you today in your life course?  you mentioned that you are out, 
Today, I am happy joyous and free most of the time.  I am very male at 
work, mainly for the comfort of others.

> but to whom? 
I'm out at some level to almost every major community.  I am appropriate 
for the situation.  In some cases, I just say I'm a bit different.  In 
other cases, I have gone to conventions of 500-600 "Normal" people in 12 
step programs, and received standing ovations.  I go to dances.

> how do you deal with society's bullshit?  stupid question I have
compassion for them.  They have been raised to believe the sexist myths of
gender roles like they are real and mandates of God.  Feminism does half
the job.  I can break up the common prejudices pretty quickly.  I manage
the "listening" (assumptions, assessments, judgements...) by acknowledging
them and providing answers to the top 20 questions.  When, in the course
of 15 minutes they realize that I am a male, divorced, child support paid
(to 1997), sexually attracted to women, a virgin until I was 21, married
faithfully for 9 years, and a responsible, productive member of society,
clean, sober, and healthy, nonviolent, father of two children..., there is
a different listening.  I even had one older woman say, I wish my daughter
would go for someone like you. 

> #5467:  what do you consider yourself?
I have fun with that.  I say "I'm a boy who enjoys being a girl and 
playing with girls who enjoy being girls." or "I'm a boy who is just one 
of the girls".  The physical reality is that I am a genetic and 
anatomical male.  The cultural reality is that there are many things I 
can do by appearing to be a woman, that I can't do when appearing to be a 
man.

>  how do your parents deal?  do 
They deal good.  When I told them, I also made it clear that I didn't 
blame them, and would not allow them to blame themselves.  If anything I 
am the product of a functional, healthy, nurturing family.  Any problems 
I deal with today are my responsibility, not theirs.

> they still talk to you?
Yes they talk to me.  They know I love them, I know they love me.  We 
talk about twice a month by phone.

> during adolescences, you saw a psychiatrist?  
> did you go because your parents felt you needed to due to catching you 
> dressed or because of depression/difficulty "maintaining peer relations"?
Actually, I was asthmatic and was spending 2 out of every 6 weeks in 
hospital beds.  They discovered that when I expressed strong emotions, 
that I would stop breathing.  This discovery, and my recovery has 
revolutionized the treatment of asthma.

> in high school, did any teacher realize what was going on?
My drama teacher had a pretty good idea, but unless I broached the 
subject, she could not do anything.  I never did.

> if so, what was their reaction?
Most of those who suspected (almost everybody) would try to make it O.K. 
and even let me talk about what I could share.  At the same time, even 
the jokes were not enough to free me up to "come out".  I had a 
fundamentalist grandfather who I loved very much.  I couldn't let anybody 
know as long as he was alive.  I did tell my wife - she used it to 
blackmail me.

> i'm reading some psychoanalysis stuff presently.  what do you think of 
> the "dominant mother, absent father" theories.  i tend to work in the 
I had two wonderful parents whom I loved very much.  Trying to blame 
parent or family for sexual identity or sexual preference is like trying 
to blame them for the weather.

In my neighborhood the girls were closely supervised, the boys were not.  
It was simply safer to play with the girls.  It had as much segnificance 
as realising that I didn't want to put my hands on hot stoves or 
electrical outlets.

There may be more evidence in the medical factors.  Masculine girls are 
called tom-boys and are encouraged to compete and play with boys.  
Femenine boys are called sissies and are abused by other boys.  Boys who 
can become healthy enough and strong enough will eventually conform 
simply out of peer pressure.  Boys who are unable to conform, for 
whatever reason are simply abused until something shifts.  For many, the 
answer is suicide, homosexualiy, or "male impersonation".  Bikers are 
often sissies who masquarade as characatures of men to avoid the 
harassment and attract women.  I have found sober biker groups to be a 
consistant source of support.

> general framework that most aspects of a person develope within a system 
> of person-environment.  this way there tends to be less to blame.
Human beings form many significant relationships.  After their mother, 
their blanket, pets, siblings, and clothes become "homing signals".  Many 
humans can be related to an animal (cat or dog) than they can to any 
other human being.  These are not relationships that anyone can control.

Growing up is largely a process of exploration and conformity.  Causing 
conformity is often a function of humiliation, shame, guilt, and fear.  
Perhaps nonconformity is actually a sign of emotional health :-).

> thanx for your help,
> kristal 

	You're welcome,
		Rex/Debbie
 

From rballard@cnj.digex.net Wed Oct  5 12:21:31 1994